Monday, December 31, 2012

Maybe

Perhaps what I mentioned in the previous post happens to other people as much as it does to me, I really don't know. Of the four people I invited to spend the night at my house on Friday, all of whom said yes, only one came. But, that's okay. We had a good talk and a good time together. Instead of mourning friendships that seem to be falling apart, I'll treasure the people who love me enough to think that I'm important. I'm feeling better.
I can't believe I'm moving in less than a week! I barely have anything packed--I'm starting to freak out a bit. Only one more Sunday in my wonderful ward, then off to the land of singles. This whole thing is surreal. I found out my apartment number as well as the fact that I can pay my rent when I get there. This is a thing that is happening... The new year starts tomorrow and I fly out in just 6 short days. I'm going to miss the people around here, but at the same time I'm terrified. This should be a fun adventure. I hope I can find a job soon!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

A Recurring Theme

A painful theme appears and reappears in my life, and sometimes I wonder how many other people deal with this as much as I do... Whenever life is too much for someone, whenever they're too stressed to deal with everything they have going on and they need to drop something in order to be able to function... I'm that something. I'm the one who gets dropped. Forgotten. The slack that gets cut.
And... I just take it. I forgive them. I don't hold a grudge. I just ache. My heart aches. I can't really talk to anyone about this, because they'll think I'm referring to them. Truth be told, I probably have dealt with this with everyone I consider close to me. If someone is going to forget a birthday, it'll be mine they forget. If they've got a lot on their plate, they'll cancel their plans with me before with anyone else.
I think this happens because I don't fight it. I don't have it in me to be such a diva that I fight back on these things. I don't really feel important enough for people to fuss over. I don't even have a party for my birthday anymore. I don't try to host any parties, really. One of my friends has suggested and helped plan a "going away get-together" with a sleepover the night before. The sleepover is supposed to be tomorrow night. Everyone I invited said yes, but there are some catches. She was going to make an awesome cake and we ladies were going to have a great time together for the last hurrah before I leave. Notice the past tense. My lovely friend has had a really rough week, so she isn't going to make the cake anymore because it's just too much. I feel incredibly selfish just saying any of this...
I don't feel like I'm ever going to be important enough to anyone to be their first priority at any given time, except perhaps to my mother. But as far as friends or a relationship... I get stepped on so much. I know I'm supposed to forgive, so I do. I can't be upset with these people I care about. However, that doesn't stop it from hurting. It hurts so much. I miss my best friend. She's on a mission right now and never let me feel forgotten. Even now, she makes sure that I feel special. With her limited budget, she sends me little things from time to time and she always answers my letters. I'm so terrible about replying to her quickly.
So, here I am, wishing people would stop stepping on me while I don't give my best friend all that she deserves from me. Hypocrisy at its finest. Today was a good day, tonight is just hard. I feel like the worst person. I wonder who will show up tomorrow and who will cancel. Maybe someday I'll start being the person that my friends tell me I am and stop feeling like the person that I am treated like.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Unsolicited Blessings

Wow, lapsing on updates here... So, I got my LSAT scores on the first of this month. 163. At first, without putting things into perspective, I was a bit sad about the score because I thought I had done better but then realized that the score falls into the 87th percentile. That being said, I'm leaving January 7, 2013; 40 days from today. Due to some complications, I have yet to secure my apartment via the deposit but it should be taken care of soon. Things are falling into place without strain on my part.
That brings me to the subject line of my post--unsolicited blessings. First, the apartment contract offer falling right into my lap at the right time. Then, I was able to get airfare out of a close-by airport that is known to be expensive for under $200. Now, this morning, I received a call from the principal of the local elementary school (pretty much my boss, I work at the elementary school more than any of the other schools). She is aware of my moving in January, and asked me...wait for it...if I would be willing to work every school day until Christmas vacation! With the exception of Friday, due to preparation for a yard sale, I will be doing said work. It's so great to be able to not have finances even be an issue when I move out to Utah. I worked today, I'll work tomorrow, and then in the month of December I'll work 15 days. This will be plenty to get me started out on my journey. Not only do I get all of this work, I'm doing work that I'm comfortable with. I'm subbing for a teaching assistant with teachers who like me, especially the one I'll be working with the most. What more could I ask for? I didn't pray for this, it just happened. Heavenly Father is so good to me. All I've asked from Him about this whole thing is to let me know if it's right for me by stopping me if it's not. In turn, he's blessed me abundantly. Admittedly, I was starting to feel a little forgotten. Like I've been trying, but not hard enough to deserve more than what I've been getting. These blessings are boosting my self-esteem. I know Heavenly Father loves me, but I just needed to feel a little more worth His love, I guess.
I have also been blessed with a new friend in my life, and ward. She and I are a lot alike and we've enjoyed talking and spending a little time together thus far. I feel like now I can actually enjoy the journey instead of almost always waiting on the next step. Don't get me wrong, there are certainly enjoyable things that I have looked forward to (like a certain friend's bridal shower that was really fun), but overall I've felt like I've been waiting for my life to get started for...years. Finally, here it comes. Adventure. Fun. Learning. Friends. Independence. It seems that my time is coming, and I'm so grateful for that.

Monday, October 22, 2012

The Waiting Game

In 9 more days, I will finally get my LSAT scores back. I'm a bit nervous, and I haven't worked much lately. I'm still working on saving money for my almost inevitable move. I also found out that, get this, someone I know is selling their apartment contract! I've met her, she wants to move out in January, and the rent is only $250 a month including utilities and wi-fi. I've actually been to that complex and spent the night there with my bestie, so this is almost unreal. It's incredibly possible that an apartment opportunity has just fallen into my lap. Not just an  apartment opportunity, though. An apartment complex that I've seen myself, with people that I can live with (the seller doesn't like people very much and she's had no problems), great rent, and also one of the best locations for the vehicular and financially challenged.
I'm a little apprehensive about the idea of going from living at home with my mom, two sisters, and my own bedroom to sharing a room with a girl I don't know and 4 other girls in the apartment. But, it'll be a good experience for me. All that really seems to be missing right now from my moving plan is a job, and I'm going to look into that as soon as I get my LSAT scores and start working on my BYU law school application (assuming that I did well enough on the test).
Finally, though, I've made a decision and I feel like things are starting to get moving. I'm so ready for this. Ready to grow, ready to learn more, and ready to meet more people. It's so beautiful out there. All I am going to miss from here will be my family, dear friends (hi, Rachel!), my ward, and my cats. Those are all things I can cope with, even though it'll be hard. For anyone reading this, prayers are always appreciated on my behalf. I still have a lot to think and worry about. I need a laptop, to figure out how I'm going to get out there (flight, obviously, but Southwest is having some issues), when I'm going to go, etc. But, strangely, I feel peaceful about all of this. I have Heavenly Father to thank for that. Here comes life :)

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Well, I did it. Today, I took the LSAT! I barely slept last night. I missed the first and a bit of the second sessions of General Conference because of this test (and I'm catching up now). I really hated missing conference because of this test, but this just couldn't wait until the December test date. My head is spinning now. Why? It could be the lack of sleep, the fact that the pressure of taking that test is finally gone, or it could be that I had a 99.7 fever yesterday! I was so terrified that I was going to come down with an awful cold. Thankfully, some Zicam, echinachea, and Vitamin C, and a couple of asprin before the test later, I felt plenty well enough to be able to take the test with a pretty good bit of confidence. Now, I wait. It'll probably be the day of Halloween that I receive my score. That score is going to determine what I end up doing next.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Each Life That Touches Ours For Good

This past week, my ward has been mourning the loss of a wonderful member, Brother Scott Bladen. Last Sunday night, he passed away in a car accident. He was one of the most Christlike people I've ever met in my life, and he will be dearly missed. I don't have a single memory of that man that isn't positive.
I had the privilege of helping his wife put together a slideshow for the funeral/visitation. It was an honor to be so trusted by her and to have a concrete way to help ease her burdens just a little. I was able to help the Relief Society sisters set up the cultural hall with food and whatnot for the family and loved ones. They played a beautiful song at his funeral, Love Remains by Collin Raye.

The pain from Brother Bladen's passing comes not from thinking that we'll never see him again, but just from knowing that so many people are going to miss him and the wonderful influence that he had on our ward for good. I look forward to seeing Brother Bladen again someday. During our stake conference adult session, we sang a hymn that made me think of Brother Bladen, and I'm going to end on that note.
1. Each life that touches ours for good
Reflects thine own great mercy, Lord;
Thou sendest blessings from above
Thru words and deeds of those who love.
2. What greater gift dost thou bestow,
What greater goodness can we know
Than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways
Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.
3. When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory,
Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.
4. For worthy friends whose lives proclaim
Devotion to the Savior’s name,
Who bless our days with peace and love,
We praise thy goodness, Lord, above.

Goodbye, Car. Hello, Change?

Last Saturday (the 8th) , I got into my first ever car wreck/accident. I was driving in the rain with my dad and two sisters.



Instead of typing it all out, I'm just going to link to the newspaper article I was interviewed for.  The car is pretty much totaled. We didn't have collision insurance on it so we are selling it for parts and hoping to break even with all the towing drama. Somehow, I'm in very little pain from the accident. No broken bones, no bruises, not even a scratch on anyone but Bridgette. It took a while for the accident to sink in. I finally came to the realization that I've lost nearly all of my independence by losing my car. If I want to go anywhere, I have to either borrow my mom's van and leave her without transportation or call on friends and family members for rides.
I've shed quite a few tears in frustration this past week or so, for more reasons than just my car. But, change is on the horizon. I've registered to take the LSAT on October 6th, and I've been studying a lot. I want to move out west in January. More to the point, I'm going to move out to Provo in January unless something stops me. If I do well on the LSAT, I'm going to apply to BYU's law school.
I've finally made a decision and so far it feels right. I feel like Heavenly Father is nudging me out the door with the car situation. I never would have seen myself getting into an accident like that, and now that I can't go anywhere without help I feel like it's time to move on. I have the support of my family, and everyone that I share this plan with seems very excited for me. It's about time that I stop waiting for something to happen and make something happen for myself.
I'm actually pretty excited,
Melissa

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Things Are Quieting Down

So, yes, I'm officially single now. Matthew is still an important part of my life, though. Terms have been set for us getting back together, and he's determined to meet them. For now, I'm open to going on dates with other people and whatnot. Things have gotten better between he and I since the break up, despite it being rough at first. I feel more at peace now. Though, I do have to admit, it's hard watching my friends (many of whom are younger than me) get married and start families and whatnot. More so than anything, I want to be a good wife and mother. Right now, it feels like my life centers around waiting to get married. Honestly, I'm afraid to commit to anything else. Moving away seems far out of the question. I feel like my mom needs me right now to be living at home. I also feel like I would be running away from my calling of stake young single adult representative. If I did something like that that, I don't know that I'd ever forgive myself. Once again, I'm doing my least favorite thing- waiting. Now I remember why I entitled this blog "Ramblings and Whatnot". Good night for now!
~Melissa

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Confusion

To be honest, I don't really even know what's going on anymore. Right now, I don't know that I have anyone to talk to about it all either. I guess this short paragraph will have to suffice. I feel another change coming in my life. It'd be nice if things would become somewhat predictable, but I guess that's not in Heavenly Father's plan for me. All I know right now is that I can't keep up what I'm doing, something's got to give. I guess we'll see what happens.
Wish me luck,
~Melissa
EDIT: I'm single now. Wow.