Monday, December 31, 2012

Maybe

Perhaps what I mentioned in the previous post happens to other people as much as it does to me, I really don't know. Of the four people I invited to spend the night at my house on Friday, all of whom said yes, only one came. But, that's okay. We had a good talk and a good time together. Instead of mourning friendships that seem to be falling apart, I'll treasure the people who love me enough to think that I'm important. I'm feeling better.
I can't believe I'm moving in less than a week! I barely have anything packed--I'm starting to freak out a bit. Only one more Sunday in my wonderful ward, then off to the land of singles. This whole thing is surreal. I found out my apartment number as well as the fact that I can pay my rent when I get there. This is a thing that is happening... The new year starts tomorrow and I fly out in just 6 short days. I'm going to miss the people around here, but at the same time I'm terrified. This should be a fun adventure. I hope I can find a job soon!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

A Recurring Theme

A painful theme appears and reappears in my life, and sometimes I wonder how many other people deal with this as much as I do... Whenever life is too much for someone, whenever they're too stressed to deal with everything they have going on and they need to drop something in order to be able to function... I'm that something. I'm the one who gets dropped. Forgotten. The slack that gets cut.
And... I just take it. I forgive them. I don't hold a grudge. I just ache. My heart aches. I can't really talk to anyone about this, because they'll think I'm referring to them. Truth be told, I probably have dealt with this with everyone I consider close to me. If someone is going to forget a birthday, it'll be mine they forget. If they've got a lot on their plate, they'll cancel their plans with me before with anyone else.
I think this happens because I don't fight it. I don't have it in me to be such a diva that I fight back on these things. I don't really feel important enough for people to fuss over. I don't even have a party for my birthday anymore. I don't try to host any parties, really. One of my friends has suggested and helped plan a "going away get-together" with a sleepover the night before. The sleepover is supposed to be tomorrow night. Everyone I invited said yes, but there are some catches. She was going to make an awesome cake and we ladies were going to have a great time together for the last hurrah before I leave. Notice the past tense. My lovely friend has had a really rough week, so she isn't going to make the cake anymore because it's just too much. I feel incredibly selfish just saying any of this...
I don't feel like I'm ever going to be important enough to anyone to be their first priority at any given time, except perhaps to my mother. But as far as friends or a relationship... I get stepped on so much. I know I'm supposed to forgive, so I do. I can't be upset with these people I care about. However, that doesn't stop it from hurting. It hurts so much. I miss my best friend. She's on a mission right now and never let me feel forgotten. Even now, she makes sure that I feel special. With her limited budget, she sends me little things from time to time and she always answers my letters. I'm so terrible about replying to her quickly.
So, here I am, wishing people would stop stepping on me while I don't give my best friend all that she deserves from me. Hypocrisy at its finest. Today was a good day, tonight is just hard. I feel like the worst person. I wonder who will show up tomorrow and who will cancel. Maybe someday I'll start being the person that my friends tell me I am and stop feeling like the person that I am treated like.