Thursday, December 27, 2012

A Recurring Theme

A painful theme appears and reappears in my life, and sometimes I wonder how many other people deal with this as much as I do... Whenever life is too much for someone, whenever they're too stressed to deal with everything they have going on and they need to drop something in order to be able to function... I'm that something. I'm the one who gets dropped. Forgotten. The slack that gets cut.
And... I just take it. I forgive them. I don't hold a grudge. I just ache. My heart aches. I can't really talk to anyone about this, because they'll think I'm referring to them. Truth be told, I probably have dealt with this with everyone I consider close to me. If someone is going to forget a birthday, it'll be mine they forget. If they've got a lot on their plate, they'll cancel their plans with me before with anyone else.
I think this happens because I don't fight it. I don't have it in me to be such a diva that I fight back on these things. I don't really feel important enough for people to fuss over. I don't even have a party for my birthday anymore. I don't try to host any parties, really. One of my friends has suggested and helped plan a "going away get-together" with a sleepover the night before. The sleepover is supposed to be tomorrow night. Everyone I invited said yes, but there are some catches. She was going to make an awesome cake and we ladies were going to have a great time together for the last hurrah before I leave. Notice the past tense. My lovely friend has had a really rough week, so she isn't going to make the cake anymore because it's just too much. I feel incredibly selfish just saying any of this...
I don't feel like I'm ever going to be important enough to anyone to be their first priority at any given time, except perhaps to my mother. But as far as friends or a relationship... I get stepped on so much. I know I'm supposed to forgive, so I do. I can't be upset with these people I care about. However, that doesn't stop it from hurting. It hurts so much. I miss my best friend. She's on a mission right now and never let me feel forgotten. Even now, she makes sure that I feel special. With her limited budget, she sends me little things from time to time and she always answers my letters. I'm so terrible about replying to her quickly.
So, here I am, wishing people would stop stepping on me while I don't give my best friend all that she deserves from me. Hypocrisy at its finest. Today was a good day, tonight is just hard. I feel like the worst person. I wonder who will show up tomorrow and who will cancel. Maybe someday I'll start being the person that my friends tell me I am and stop feeling like the person that I am treated like.

2 comments:

  1. You're not the only one who feels this way, and I honestly think that when life is too much for people, it's not YOU they drop, it's everything. It might just seem like it's just you because it happens so much, but trust me, it happens to me, too. I used to feel like I had no best friends, just good friends who were closer to others than to me. And they didn't care that I wanted to be closer than we were.
    I love you, Melissa. People aren't doing this on purpose, I know that. It isn't you, it's all circumstantial. I don't know any of your other friends so I can't speak for them, but judging by your wonderful personality and the people you attract, I can assume that they wouldn't want to hurt you.
    I know you've forgiven a lot, but all I can say is keep forgiving and keep praying and trust the people you know want to love you, even if things get in the way.
    Sorry for my soapbox moment, and for the long post. But I hope it helped.
    Love you!

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  2. It's all good, no one comments here anyway! I have seen many occasions where people will drop plans with someone else before they will with me, but I've decided to take it as a sort of compliment. That means that I am the path of least resistance, and they trust me to forgive them. I know they don't mean to hurt me, but I think that some also know that somehow I'll bounce back. Sometimes I wish that they didn't trust me so much... But such is life. Things will change, I just have a feeling. For right now I'm going to be happy with my lot. I love you too! I can't wait to see you Saturday! <3

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